From darkness to light

How I felt when depressed

Depression and Suicides

Is suicide the only natural course for depression?

Sushant Singh Rajput has committed suicide yesterday (15th June 2020). It has been shocking for me that being such “a high achiever” from an average Indian mentality he did so and I am unable to come out from all the thoughts thence. I do not consider any person suicide worthy, being successful or rich or famous (commonly referred to as worldly possessions) doesn’t matter. I believe the rates may be higher among people who have fewer possessions simply because they are more prone to believe that their wishes stand unfulfilled from their perspective. Possibly seeing all those things in SSR’s life, I was mind-boggled and wanted to reflect upon my experiences about depression and suicidal thought to help anyone in need.

A little more about SSR. He has been a very successful actor in Bollywood, has excelled in studies and almost everything that he strived to attempt. I would also want to share what SSE spoke about to motivate students in a gathering sometime back. My shock also stems from his past speeches. I find him very sorted in his thought process and very clear in his life goals. He points out the biggest lie (money + recognition = happiness) and the only truth (now + excitement = happiness). Listen to him:

I would also admit to a situation when I contemplated taking a drastic step like SSR. I had then less than 100 SGD in my bank account AND my company was far from being functional let alone profitable AND my cofounders were not in the same situation AND I was jobless (equalled to hopeless then) AND had no future ahead after my masters AND had a massive education loan towards my master’s tuition fees AND had an immense pressure to earn survival costs in Singapore. I felt my options are exhausted and there is no turning back because I was just blank without any room to do anything. I could not go back to India or my hometown and earn back the loan. I cannot sit and do nothing in Singapore and wait for things to improve - survival alone was roughly around 500 SGD. Add to those my thoughts of the pressure to bear stinging comments around my or family’s failures: why I should not have gone so far, how my family wasted money over me and how I am less of a human. I was in a loop of thoughts with no apparent end. I took a break only on Sunday and would look outside the window with an easy solution - why not end it all.

I would go to my startup office every day with a hope that today will be a new day but come back depressed. Nothing would change or improve. I would look into the sky and think about that unfateful day when I decided to resign from Microsoft to come to SG and try having my own company. Life got very sad with perpetual darkness. There was no one to share my sadness. I was always thinking about not getting enough in life, being unlucky and negative thoughts affected my ability to focus. I would not code, would not type a single letter on my laptop for days despite sitting in front of it every day. I would think of all the what-ifs. Often, a spurious thought would come to jump in front of a bus whenever it went passed by but not while I am on the road but when I am on the bed thinking looking into the sky. Luckily, my bedroom’s window had an iron grill.

I cannot also claim that I understand the thoughts of every person suffering from depression because I only experienced a depressive feeling emanating out of financial distress and peer pressure to perform, which is one of all the possible reasons. But I do know that talking it out can help. In my case, a few things saved me. An interview mail at Google Sydney and Works-Applications. An iron grill in my bedroom window on the 11th floor. A job interview offer at Works App. And my flatmates - especially Venkat and Shreyas - who helped me talk out my problems when on one evening I had called them and said this:

Bro, I cannot pay rent anymore and I am sorry for all the trouble I will bring but please forgive me if possible.

This message, fortunately, got my flatmate’s attention and they gave me some bits of advice, spent more time with me over the next few days and were able to pull me out of my pain. I felt relieved and moved in a positive direction very slowly but successfully. I managed to express my desire to quit from my startup venture and pursue a job instead because of my financial situation but continued till I got to it. Things have looked better from that time onwards in my life in most aspects.

Suicide is never an option, we can always start afresh! - Vishwaraj Anand

I also started chatting with a random girl on Facebook - which was something I hadn’t done in quite a long time. She is still my girlfriend, and I am super eager to see where our journey takes us together. I want to say that our life is precious and we can try to get out of depression by talking it out. Suicide is not and should not be the course of depression.

mental-health depression suicide

Dialogue & Discussion