Things I learnt In Relationship

I feel to have reached my half-life in terms of age but still setting my foot into the adolescence of my thought horizon. One of my friends, who is the same age as mine asked: How does it feel to be in a relationship!. A disclaimer, that he never had a real relationship and his ex-girlfriend had died years ago before he could spend a significant amount of time with her. He seems to be constantly and painfully digging into her memories to point out his own mistakes so that his future with another girl could be better. I feel this action is worth very less value for his life because his learnings might not be applicable for any other girl that could bring a very different perspective of things in his life and instead he can feel more productive by working on his immediate life goals. I feel one does not need to go depressingly very deep into his past since it can push us into darkness and depression. Conflictingly, I also believe one should do as it pleases them. So, I let him do that and just beyond some suggestions here and there I did not stop him from digging into her memories. Just among all this talk, I feel its a good point to reflect on my relationship and what I learnt so far. Following quotes are some samples on which my friend asked my views. So, here are some points:

If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
you are not a man

It’s better to clearly explain your wishes, even if it is kissing her. There’s nothing wrong in being assertive. It makes us feel happy as well as emotionally connected. Although openly style could understandably make some folks conscious of other humans around them, depending on their cultural background which may discourage or even deplore kissing in public. Putting across our wishes is often a good tool to paint a rosy world around our love life so that we both feel comfortable to hold hands, tease in public and neither of us gets uneasy or felt unwanted.

If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing

Whenever praising is perceived to be lies, one can stress on their honesty to build more trust. Discussing instances when our support has proved to be timely and helpful for her defence emotionally gets her into a comfort zone where she would not doubt our intentions. The goal is to make her feel genuinely cared about than saying it as if its just words without meaning! It also depends on how aged a relationship is. Things like good for nothing could be a way too harsh thing to say/accept. If words lose weight, we can try to get atleast the intent communicated clearly.

If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding

If it’s for materialistic things, there may be a limit to what can be agreed to be provided say clothes, money, etc. Sooner or later we should have to bring her to a discussion and look at the pockets. But if it’s just for how she wishes to live, its best to be the way which gives the least pain and agony to everyone around. When we put some expectation on her to live a typical homemaker life, be responsible for in-laws and/or her family then issues crop up because of over-expectation. If we expect both of us to be equals, no more and no less, things such as one partner not agreeing to others likes go away. Traditionally, females have been adjusting way more than males and that is a heavy play at mind. It is best to be receptive to her emotional concerns and always be there even when we reflect she is wrong. Being there and listening always has room to bring the issues to a discussion table and ultimately to a common ground which we both could like!

If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing

This feeling could come when we have been way less connected for quite some time. After initially struggling with the double-crossing fear, both partners will have to realize that distance is best if discontinued and it is in everybody’s interest to keep in touch and share as it pleases. Showing some excitement towards how our other half is spending time naturally beings more gel and brings souls together. One may find her way of living very girly or you to be boring but slowly we get into each other’s groove and an understanding of why we didn’t message, couldn’t visit, visited more often.

If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy

Speaking of myself, I care very less about dressing than her and instead rely on her fashion sense to help me on occasions. It is also a cute moment when she has to decide how I should dress up and maintain myself. It’s pleasurable and enjoyable to see anyone take so much interest in decorating a dull person like me. It’s really hard for many folks to reach the playboy image in her mind. For me, it’s nearly impossible! If one does, probably its time to probe into other factors that triggered such feelings because not dressing well is not the only reason females are repelled. It almost always is the comic relief that we may lack to bring in her life.

If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her

If your love is hanging by a negative thread of jealousy then maybe it’s time to upgrade the relationship to a higher level. Love is a pure feeling and it should be above small talk such as jealousy, desire, anger, lust, etc. Care and fear are genuine feelings to have, and maybe we should portray them much more often if she wishes us to open us but have jealousy.

If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her

Romance needs a mood and one needs to sense when her mood is lit. Males of even animal kingdom are almost always ready to perform. While that is never true for a female. She would expect males to express romantic feelings before attempting romance. Maybe having some romantic talk is a good starting point! If one is having a high romance drive, talking to a partner about random mating is perfectly cohesive.

If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way

I feel most males would suffer from this and usually adjust as well. The social norms of dressing are much more stringent for a female. Imagine a male wearing a shirt with mismatching colour than their trousers, maybe it would go unnoticed, atleast definitely frowned upon in public on the face. But if a lady puts us a weird lipstick colour, she would be easily pointed out in the crowd. This is just human behaviour and you can find similar examples of this in almost every modern society. This social fear fuels a feminine obsession to dress well and look good. In popular movies also, females are depicted to be commonly re-dressing themselves several times before confirming their dress of the night! Naturally, she gets late. While waiting we feel nervous and vulnerable, so if she finds it difficult to wait then probably she has made you an inseparable part of your life which is good! Or she just cannot stay lonely, in which case we can expect her to raise her genuine need for a company.

If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"

Its socially important and healthy for us to spend time outside relationships, with our friends and colleagues. Both partners need to realize this and give each other space for their quality time. If not, one who is more socially outgoing would start to feel choked in their social life. Also, whenever problems creep up in our lives, we could look outwards and try to find answers by observing other’s life. Why not this is such a big problem for everyone! How do they cope up with going out! They just go when everything is normal! No one expects another half to spend all the time together, this understanding is important.

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful......WOMEN!

Life is always as complex as we make them. All we need to do is just be calm, receptive and understand each other’s position with time. Conflicts and confusions all die down with time in the sea of love